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Home » Love Forum » Ask the Dating Expert » Did i hurt my ex?
Did i hurt my ex? [message #10061] Sun, 30 December 2018 08:37 Go to next message
cgo is currently offline  cgo
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BEFORE saying just move on PLEASE read my reason for writing this. Relationship or not this person has been a very important part of my life. She has helped me through the suicide of my mother and multiple things after that. Although the relationship is over I still wish to someday be her friend. But im afraid i've hurt her even more after the break up. My reasons being:

Reason #1
After the break up i deleted her off of my social media only for her to add me back a month later because she wanted to make sure i was ok due to an injury i had sustained playing sports. While she rarely posted anything on social media, when she did it was mostly quotes about self love and songs about romance or break ups.

Reason #2 When we reconnected 4 months after the break up we caught up with each other over text. But what was strange was she mentioned how other guys would hit on her often but told me she wasn't interested because they weren't her type. She also opened up to me about personal problems she had (depressed, grades, stress, ext.) and told me how it was so easy to open up to me but opposite when it came to her friends and family.

Reason #3 She decided to intentionally visit a place she knew i would be at. I know this because she stared at me for a good duration of the time. During this time she saw hanging out with my friends and just laughing and having a good time. I finally decided to talk to her an hour later and we had a small conversation. Afterwards i went back to my friends.

Reason #4 A week after the visit from her she started posting almost daily. Selfies, hangouts, eventually even other guys. I assumed we were on good terms so I shot her a text telling her that I was thrilled that she was doing better now. unfortunately, she did not reply so i backed off and didn't text her again. She has and is still constantly positive things now and im truly happy for her.

our most recent conversation was when she sent me a merry Christmas and i sent one back. After she saw it she texted me back and we had a short conversation.
Re: Did i hurt my ex? [message #10062 is a reply to message #10061] Mon, 31 December 2018 07:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
The Dating Expert is currently offline  The Dating Expert
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Thanks for reaching out and welcome to the forum.

It seems that you have provided quite many details in your post, which I for sure appreciate. However, in order to come up with certain recommendations, I feel that two important pieces of information are still missing.

1. My first set of questions is:
- how do you feel about her now?
- how do you think she feels about you now?
- you mentioned that the relationship is over, but is it really over? is there a strong and objective reason for that?

I mean, sometimes (actually, often) people break up and then reconcile. If you both still miss each other, what prevents you from being together again? I feel there is some background that I'm missing here.

2. The second question is, what's actually the problem? Can you formulate exactly that's your problem (or your question)?

This is actually very important per (for you at first). I do understand how difficult it could be to state the problem, but the effect of simply formulating it definitely worth the effort. The more precise you put it, the greater the effect will be.

We are here to listen.

Take care.


Re: Did i hurt my ex? [message #10063 is a reply to message #10062] Mon, 31 December 2018 08:11 Go to previous messageGo to next message
cgo is currently offline  cgo
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How i feel about her? I still have a spark of feeling left for her but i miss her friendship more than anything. We used to always hang out and laugh about the dumbest things even before the relationship. Everything was easier when i was around her and i could act like myself completely.

Im not sure how she feels about me. Im afraid i hurt her when she came to visit me and saw that i was happy. Why? because she had previously opened up to me about her struggles and to see that i was happy while she wasn't triggered her in some way such as the social media spam. I hope it is just because she i truly happy because its been 5 months since the break up.

I just hope i didn't hurt her while trying to be there for her.

Basically my question is that did i hurt her when she saw me being happy? What can you tell from the reasons i listed?
Re: Did i hurt my ex? [message #10064 is a reply to message #10063] Wed, 02 January 2019 01:44 Go to previous messageGo to next message
The Dating Expert is currently offline  The Dating Expert
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Thanks for replying. Based on how you described the situation, it looks like she did get hurt. Not sure if it was inevitable or if you could do anything to reduce her suffering though.

Assuming you'd like to decrease her hurt, I'd propose a couple of questions to consider:

- Does she clearly understand the reason(s) for the break up? Does she agree?

- Does she have a false hope that you can get reunited somehow?

- Is there anything that isn't clear for her about the situation?

Usually, the less unanswered questions one has, the better the person feels about the situation..

What do you think?


Re: Did i hurt my ex? [message #10065 is a reply to message #10061] Thu, 03 January 2019 03:48 Go to previous message
cgo is currently offline  cgo
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When she broke up with me she told me she needed to work on herself. She told me she was afraid we wouldn't work because of the distance. When we reconnected she told me she thought it was due to immaturity and apologized to me.
I don't know if she wants to reunite but recently she has been warming up to me. when i reconnected with her she told me she wanted to text me but didn't have the guts to. In fact she told me that she saw me once and decided to completely avoid me. Now when she sees me with our mutual friends she would always come up to me and talk to me first and make conversation. As i mentioned she also contacted me for the first time on Christmas. Im not sure if these signs are her wanting to get back with me but it seems like she isn't harboring any hard feelings.


I'm not really sure what to think about it cause ive never had a break up so confusing.
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