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Home » Love Forum » Ask the Dating Expert » I am too shy
I am too shy [message #5458] Tue, 18 October 2011 17:53 Go to next message
Tanya27 is currently offline  Tanya27
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The reason of my bad luck in love is that I am too shy. I can't deal with this. If I like somebody very much I behave like a fool. I get nerves so much that I can't think normally and feel myself relaxed. I hate myself because of this. Please help....

[Updated on: Thu, 20 October 2011 16:11] by Moderator

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Re: I am too shy [message #5462 is a reply to message #5458] Fri, 21 October 2011 14:34 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Adviser is currently offline  Adviser
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Try to feel yourself more confident. Pretend like you know this guy for a long time. Your problem is that you afraid to be not disliked. Act like he has to fight for your attention.

Take care,
John the Adviser
Re: I am too shy [message #6963 is a reply to message #5458] Wed, 20 February 2013 11:19 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Trish0102 is currently offline  Trish0102
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Try to mingle with group of people. Just be confident with yourself.
Re: I am too shy [message #8304 is a reply to message #5458] Mon, 15 July 2013 10:17 Go to previous messageGo to next message
arabmatch is currently offline  arabmatch
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Get drunk before telling any girl that you love or like her. It will automatically give you confidence to deal with such situation.
Re: I am too shy [message #8336 is a reply to message #8304] Fri, 26 July 2013 16:45 Go to previous messageGo to next message
danielbrown is currently offline  danielbrown
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I think that the one having this problem should get his/her confidence by meeting people and making friendship with them. Try to make more friends, hang out with them and talk to them share your thoughts and feeling this will bring your confidence back. Visit this to get your confidence back..
http://www.flixya.com/blog/5223472/Keys-to-a-Confident-Date

Re: I am too shy [message #8411 is a reply to message #5458] Mon, 26 August 2013 14:38 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tanyawill35 is currently offline  Tanyawill35
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Hey I understand what you mean.. I don't think you should be too hard on yourself though. Some women find that kind of behavior endearing...

and anyways you can try dating online to meet girls. Maybe if you just chat with them online, get to know them before you meet then it would be easier for you to not be so shy around them when you do meet... just a thought
Re: I am too shy [message #8489 is a reply to message #5458] Fri, 28 February 2014 11:09 Go to previous messageGo to next message
smithhiles is currently offline  smithhiles
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I honestly don't know any one who Even fathoms that thought.
I'm grateful to come from an environment where mixed ethnicity is the norm...I love cultures. ..mmm yogurt. Lol
Re: I am too shy [message #8493 is a reply to message #5458] Tue, 11 March 2014 10:55 Go to previous messageGo to next message
smithhiles is currently offline  smithhiles
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Any advices for online daters so that they can enhance more and learn more..??
Re: I am too shy [message #8498 is a reply to message #8493] Thu, 13 March 2014 11:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
jessica is currently offline  jessica
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smithhiles wrote on Tue, 11 March 2014 10:55
Any advices for online daters so that they can enhance more and learn more..??


I believe that this question should be asked in a very different way.
But first let me provide some background.
What is the goal of relationship between a man and a woman? Obviously its a union.
This is when you have strong, trustful relationship, that eventually transform a couple into a family.
Why we need a family? Because of our future. Its obvious that without children we do not have any future.
The stronger our family is, the better is our future. I mean healthy, smart, efficient population etc.

Overall, dating and particularly online dating are just ways to reach this goal. Since we live in a civilization where its difficult to find a match offline, we tend to use the power of Internet to search for love partner.

So, one more time:



  • dating - is a way to reach the goal
  • relationship and family is actually the goal



Unfortunately, this principle is often misunderstood and dating is perceived as a goal itself. In this case it becomes more like a sport or a method of vainglory.

Normally, relationship, family and children - its all about rather to give then to get. And vainglory is about to get rather then to give. So technically speaking its when this stream is reversed.

There are a number of reasons for this:
- our instincts drive us to get more and more sex
- mass media propaganda to destroy traditional families (by promoting frequent change of partners, LGBT, alcohol, drugs etc)

Probably someone could say: ok, whats wrong if I date girls/men just for fun? Family is just not for me.
Well, I would not say its "wrong" but it just won't lead you to happiness. You would need more and more partners to satisfy this vainglory, and it actually will never be satisfied. Then after many years all you will have is just a number of broken hearts and loneliness.

So answering to your question how online daters should enhance, my very first answer is: understand, this is not a sport!
My second answer is: you should have a very clear picture of your future love partner, your relationship and your family.

To practice you will need to spend some time and efforts. Literally you will have to draw this picture on a sheet of paper.
This can be done in a form of bullets or an essay. What I can guarantee is that these time and effort always pay back!

You should be really consistent here and always remember that love is more about to give rather then to get.

There is a free online tool that helps to do this exercise: KisKis.net

Comments and feedbacks are appreciated.

[Updated on: Thu, 13 March 2014 11:30] by Moderator

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Re: I am too shy [message #9118 is a reply to message #5458] Wed, 12 August 2015 00:44 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Michael Martens is currently offline  Michael Martens
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Just do not imagine too much and do not expect anything in return. if you are stressing and you are at the stage of just knowing each other, then this is normal and everyone was feeling just like you. Some less, some more. You will never get rid of this "fear" so you have to deal with it and act in spite of it. Cease to feel FEAR. Instead, treat it just as EXCITEMENT.

You are not feeling FEAR. You are EXCITED of this new situation.
See the difference?


Re: I am too shy [message #9656 is a reply to message #5458] Fri, 15 April 2016 12:07 Go to previous messageGo to next message
GentsGate is currently offline  GentsGate
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get a certain steps to build your confidence. nothing will happen without this ... not only in love Smile

Start living more fulfilled reality now ... https://gentsgate.sendlane.com/view/gents-gate
Re: I am too shy [message #9737 is a reply to message #5458] Thu, 21 July 2016 20:37 Go to previous messageGo to next message
abbecool is currently offline  abbecool
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Let People Know That You Like Them

The first one is to let people know that you like them and that you enjoy their company. That may sound like weird advice but for people who are shy one thing about being shy is that you don't express yourself very well and it might be hard for people to understand sort of how restrained you are that you enjoy their company. Therefore saying sometimes that you like their company, is a good thing.

Sometimes it's hard for shy people to say things in person. So if you hang out with somebody maybe you can text them afterward and say like "Hey, I had a great time with you today", you know, that helps too. It's a lot less stressful to do it on a text. Choosing the particular mode of conversation that makes you more comfortable is a good thing.

Smile In Their Company

Second tip, smile in excess. So again, this is about expressing yourself and so both telling them that you enjoy their company and also showing them by smiling. Like especially in photographs and stuff like and don't feel like you need to hide. Though not to have a creep factor though like if you're just smiling the whole time for no reason. That's a problem. I mean smile when you have to. Unless you're genuinely happy the other bonus of this is that like studies have shown that if you smile you tend to feel happier and attractive.

People respond to what they're seeing. If they see someone smiling, like imagine like walking on the street you smile at someone as they go by, they're more likely to smile at you too. And so just even by forcing it in the beginning, you know, fake it so you make it, that can make people around you more comfortable.

Be Active In Conversation

Third tip, put yourself in positions where you have to speak and interact. And this is the advice that we very frequently give new college students. Like you need to if you feel like this is something that you need to get past and some shy people feel like it isn't but if you're just shy and you want to get past it, joining a club where you are forced into a position of interacting with people, speaking publicly, that can be a good thing. It can be a dance or painting class, there's a lot about non-verbal communication that's important.

And it doesn't have to be like a public speaking class where you're up there talking to everybody, it can be like a lot of universities will have sort of like group not therapy necessarily but talking about your experiences and trying to maintain like a low stress level, like that everybody is talking, that can be good. This will give you some common ground that will make it easier for you to communicate when you're approached or when you want to break the ice. You should also involve yourself in activities that you do well, so you can draw positive attention from people with your proficiency without having to speak.

Spend Time With Like-minded people

The final tip is spend time with people that don't make you feel nervous. And don't make you want to make you throw up a little bit. You should experiment with different groups as we were saying but you might find that certain groups of people make you feel more comfortable and it's totally fine to prefer the company of certain types of people. Use the time you don't spend talking to, observe how people you may like act, and what they like to do. And if that gets you out of sort of your rut or gets you out there and interact with people then maybe one group, just stick with them.

Besides a group if you have somebody that you trust, if it's like a best friend that you can confidently and comfortably ask for advice I think that's great too. It's nice to get that feedback. So if you're comfortable with someone, ask them "Hey, do I ever do anything awkward when we're chatting?"

Hopefully those tips will be helpful for you if you are a shy person and having hard time in interacting with other people. But I think that you should test the boundaries to see, like you shouldn't you know, it might be that you're just shy and you can't get over it.


Re: I am too shy [message #9904 is a reply to message #5458] Tue, 23 May 2017 14:43 Go to previous messageGo to next message
relationshiptips is currently offline  relationshiptips
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First of all, try to feel yourself more confident and try to understand the feelings of another person and practice it before with your friend. Hope this will help you.
icon12.gif  Re: I am too shy [message #10028 is a reply to message #5458] Wed, 23 May 2018 12:26 Go to previous messageGo to next message
sarahanry is currently offline  sarahanry
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you can control yourself with relexation and cool mind. don't be shy and say it all.
Re: I am too shy [message #10223 is a reply to message #8304] Sat, 25 April 2020 07:46 Go to previous messageGo to next message
breakupshop is currently offline  breakupshop
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I disagree with this advice. You're training yourself to only feel confident while drunk, which can lead to all types of problems like becoming an alcoholic.
Re: I am too shy [message #10318 is a reply to message #5458] Wed, 25 November 2020 21:47 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Solomon White is currently offline  Solomon White
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Shyness has never helped anyone, you need to go beyond comfort!
Re: I am too shy [message #10333 is a reply to message #5458] Sat, 06 February 2021 16:15 Go to previous message
ariasmith is currently offline  ariasmith
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Think good things and have a positive attitude. There's no need to advertise your shyness.
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