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Home » Love Forum » Ask the Dating Expert » Should i be dating him? (Separated men)
Should i be dating him? [message #9266] Tue, 17 November 2015 08:57 Go to next message
Metalbabe30 is currently offline  Metalbabe30
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Registered: November 2015
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I have been dating a legally separated man for a couple of months. I don't understand why people choose to separate and not divorce? Is it just the money?Is it in hopes of réconciliation?It bothers me quite a bit more than I thought. How do I know or not if he has hopes of his ex running back into his arms? They have children. I just don't want to get hurt
Re: Should i be dating him? [message #9267 is a reply to message #9266] Tue, 17 November 2015 10:26 Go to previous messageGo to next message
LeePalm44 is currently offline  LeePalm44
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Predominantly books and articles on divorce are written on the basis of assumption that when partners says they actually want a divorce that they are really ready for it. But as practice shows they are not really ready for the divorce. Think over the flip side of the concerns of those who is not divorced yet.
May be, the person isn't ready emotionally to new relationship because the wounds are still raw.
This is where I'd have to advise not dating someone who isn't divorced yet: the fear that since the couple isn't officially divorced, they might end up getting back together. This is the worst cause NOT to date someone who isn't officially divorced yet. Why? Coz any couple can get back together at any time. The person hasn't gone through those feelings you go through when your divorce is final.
My attitude is that by the time their divorce is final, they've been checked out for so long, that the only thing you feel is finality, relief and perhaps a little sadness, which lasts for about a day and a half.
Finally there may be a selfish element. Even if they don't want their wives, these non-divorcing husbands don't want anyone else to have them, either.
Some men might find it quite an ego-boost to be able to refer to 'My wife' at the same as having a beautiful young woman in attendance. But divorce says: Failure. Not getting divorced gives the illusion of success, which most men cherish. 'Divorced? Of course not,' they say to themselves, even after they've lived with a new woman for 20 years. 'I'm still married to my wife. We just live in a different way.'
Again, trust your gut. Be honest with yourself. Communicate with the person! You will know if it feels right to be with him or her!

[Updated on: Tue, 17 November 2015 10:36]

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Re: Should i be dating him? [message #9268 is a reply to message #9266] Tue, 17 November 2015 10:36 Go to previous messageGo to next message
The Dating Expert is currently offline  The Dating Expert
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Simply say, legal separation is a kind of "probationary period" before the final divorce of the two.
It is sanctioned by a court with the aim to give couple a chance for reunion without making the irreversible decision yet.

Regarding the possible reconciliation, here is that wikipedia says:

Legal separation does not automatically lead to divorce. The couple might reconcile, in which case they do not have to do anything in order to continue their marriage. If the two do not reconcile, and they wish to proceed with a divorce, they must file for divorce explicitly.

My general advise is that there should be very strong reasons for planning serious relationship with a person who used to be engaged for a long time and who has children. Especially then a person have not put efforts in order to officially finish these relationship.

And in order to give a specific advise for your situation, first I'd like to understand some more details.

Questions to you:
- Have you talked to him about the final divorce with his ex, and about your common future?
- What makes you doubt about him?
- What are your expectations out of this relationship?
- And the last but very important question: what is the perfect scene of your relationship with a man (in general)?

[Updated on: Tue, 17 November 2015 10:58]

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Re: Should i be dating him? [message #9439 is a reply to message #9266] Thu, 24 December 2015 10:59 Go to previous message
NickLox1 is currently offline  NickLox1
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Registered: November 2015
Location: USA
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Metalbabe30 wrote on Tue, 17 November 2015 08:57
Is it just the money?

I can tell you...YES! Predominantly!Separations are usually de facto, rarely pounded out in a contract, and family law is different state to state. But even long-estranged couples are irrefutably bound by contractual links on issues like taxes, pensions, Social Security and health care.

Divorce lawyers and marriage therapists say that for most couples, the motivation to remain married is financial. According to federal law, an ex qualifies for a share of a spouse's Social Security payment if the marriage lasts a decade. In the case of more amicable divorces, financial advisers and lawyers may urge a couple who have been married eight years to wait until the dependent spouse qualifies.

For others, a separation agreement may be negotiated so that a spouse keeps the other's insurance until he or she is old enough for Medicare. If one person has an existing condition, obtaining affordable health care coverage is often difficult or impossible. The recession, with its real estate lows and health care expense highs, adds incentives to separate indefinitely.
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